RUDIMENTS 181.

RUDIMENTS, pt. 181

Making Cars

I'd never been told much about

things from my father, in the 

short time I had anyway. He 

seemed always under a lot of 

pressure, whether to get things

done or to somehow surpass

some invisible goal of showing 

he was as good or better than 

other guys. (It never worked out).

It colored everything he did, and I

never figured it out. I couldn't think

why someone would want to live

that way  -  those were things that

just weren't important in my mind, 

what someone else 'saw' you as, 

or where you yourself were within 

some 'pecking order' of what really 

was your own imagining. Yet, to him 

that all was important, and it was 

pretty sad too, in the sense that the 

achievement being sought was not 

really anything special at all. It was 

all bargain basement stuff. When 

you're all caught up in the low end 

of things, every little extra clothespin 

means an advancement, yet to the 

'other' class to whom you're trying 

to show, another dumb clothespin is 

a really bad effort. These were all 

people together in the same strait 

of circumstances, no part of which 

really had glamour, gain or actual

achievement. It was as if the contest 

was in having a better Chevrolet than

 the next guy, but never breaking out 

to have a Buick or a Cadillac or Lincoln, 

to use a paltry example. So it was like

 a really bad running in place. 

Nothing there for me, treadmills 

were never my forte.

-

It didn't even matter, because 

I was always on my own orbit 

anyway, but I had to contend 

with what all that left behind : 

the television always being on, 

my father laughing at shows, 

comedies and cartoons, and 

westerns, always westerns  - 

where I guess the 'good' or 'best' 

guy always did somehow overcome 

hardship and contention and best 

the bad guy. Same story. I do kind 

of realize now that this is all a 

late-life reflection of my now-dead 

father, and not really fair to him. 

But, that's the breaks of this game. 

Life is action and action is chance. 

Getting stuck in psychological 

ruts is neither. Whatever the 

deal of this life, however it 

works, we are each born into 

our own peculiar set of 

circumstances, and I certainly 

never understood mine. I couldn't 

fathom why I was born into that 

station, situation, or place. It was 

all so weird. (Or maybe I just have 

an exalted opinion of myself).  I 

could never much see value in 

the things others held up as 

valued, nor could I ever quite 

view the absolutes by which 

they opposed everything. It didn't 

HAVE to be one way or the other, 

there were always shadings and 

mixings, blendings of approach. 

My world was much different 

than theirs, and his. There was 

an old philosophy joke I heard 

somewhere, maybe that John 

McLaughlin guy who taught 

Philosophy at Elmira. It was a 

little bit dumb, but I always 

remembered it   -   'The rich man 

built the log cabin he was born 

into with his own bare hands. 

And if the poor weren't born 

with talent (to build their own 

and rise out of it) well they 

should have thought of that 

when they chose their parents.' 

It's kind of an almost mean-natured 

cruel joke, trying to say that the 

people of privilege, though they 

were born in a higher station, still 

worked it through by their own 

hands and pluck, and if everyone 

else couldn't get to their station 

it was because they weren't 

good enough  - and tough on them.

-

The ancient Greek philosopher 

Epictetus (not really 'ancient, 

more about 55-100 A.D.), said 

'some things are out of our control 

and some are not.' He meant things 

other than what I am writing of 

('in' our control: opinion, pursuit, 

desire, aversion, and our own actions;

'not in' our control: body, property,

reputation, command, and whatever 

are NOT our own actions) and it 

never made much sense to me 

anyway, but I always figured 

doing nothing to be an action as 

well. So I always stepped away, 

and into DOING something to 

get out of the situation. I don't 

know if I had any control over 

getting smashed by the train and 

losing a big clump of time, but I 

do know my other choices were 

mine, and pretty much for the 

purposes of 'action' of doing 

something to remove myself, 

as a minor could anyway. 

Seminary, remaining alienated 

and out of it, taking off for 

NYC immediately after the 

untold misery of high school, 

art, the streets, the deep country 

isolation, getting away and hiding  

-  each of those actions were 

initiated by me, and carried 

through. (For one thing, I simply 

kept 'changing' my life) Jean Paul 

Sartre had it thus : when events 

go awry, we can say we had bad 

luck and leave it at that. Which is 

all well and good, I guess, when 

one's luck has already gone south. 

But that sentiment doesn't hold 

when there's still a chance for a 

decision to be made. Then, doing 

nothing is a decision. All we have, 

as humans, is the ability to act. 

We each have that, at least. My 

father's example just always 

seemed to be running in place, 

and never reflecting upon that, 

certainly never talking it over 

with me. His problem, as it is 

with most people, was repeat 

behavior. Over and over, the 

same course of action  - having 

kids, expanding thereby the 

house, need for space, energy 

and work needed for doing 

that, cost and expense, etc. 

Over and over. As the kids 

aged and grew, and he and my 

mother aged and, bit by bit, 

diminished, the hole kept 

getting bigger. But nothing 

was ever done about it  -  the 

same behavior(s) remained. 

Eventually it bests and wears 

down the human animal. Needs 

and necessities  - all those kids 

growing they want schooling and 

clothes and cars, vacations, etc. 

The next you know, the black 

hole of Calcutta's got you by 

the proverbial balls.

-

So when I finally did get away,

I was determined to make each 

of my new places 'New'. Or

nothing at all. The city worked

well enough for what I'd sought,

as would have, I guess, Chicago

San Francisco, or London or 

Paris. Those remain unknowns. 

The way life is, it seems the

pretense of control runs things. 

I was as opposed to that as I could

be. Social planning. Cures that

are worse than the disease. The

key assumption, sadly enough, 

that everyone walks around with,

is that when something goes

wrong, someone or other must

be to blame  -  that false assumption

wipes away the workings of fate

 and fortune, the workings of

'ACT,' which is what Humanity, 

after all is all about. No one 

'handed' Adam that apple, let's 

say (using a real crummy example);

he chose to ACT for it, and did

decide to take it on his own.

Even if it did get stuck in
his throat.